


I Always Did Like Acting

by Analphancones



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Quarantine, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:33:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23827651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Analphancones/pseuds/Analphancones
Summary: "He is as insatiable as he believes I am being by constantly chasing orgasm. I just want to look at him with love again. I want to not dream of what I could be missing in ditching my only real love so messily by publicly replacing him with Dan just so he’d see. I want to not run from the emotions for others I do manage to have in my heart just for someone I do not have feelings for."
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 6





	I Always Did Like Acting

It’s lately becoming clear to me that sex is the only time I feel significant love for Dan. I hope that statement is heartbreaking for others as for me it just seems to be stated as a fact that is followed by nothing more and nothing less than its own factual apathy. When we find ourselves tangled up; his leg over my hip bone and head just under my collarbone resting comfortably there on my chest. I feel love for him as I tangle my fingers into small chunks of his hair. 

It’s gotten so long in quarantine. It’s not as if we go anywhere really to begin with, with our brand a stay at home order sounds like an excuse to just keep doing what we normally do shame free. We usually can mosey out of our apartment for something like a haircut, though. It’s cute. It suits him. 

For a video he wanted to dye his hair black, so he did, and filmed it- just to find himself in a space where he felt like posting content of that sort a year later, to be the sole video out, after his coming out video. I tried to talk him into just posting it, because his fanbase is not just loyal but adoring. We’re both lucky for our fan base to be such, even if they are also sort of insane. 

The black has since grown out and the inches of brown root are more than giving it away. I joke with him it looks like reversed frosted tips and he laughs. His laugh only resonates the way it should the same as anything else about him I should appreciate- only when I’m pumping full of after sex endorphins. 

His look at me is the same as ever and mine to him dulls to stay dull only moments after I’ve caught my breath and wiped the sweat from my brow. I think this is why we’ve been having sex so often lately. I’m chasing to just be in love with him as I once was before. He thinks quarantine or boredom or whatever has just “gotten into me” lately and so I’m filling the time in a way there's not much to beat with. 

He’s right about that. Sex is amazing and it’s always amazing with him. His movements are all but awkward but more so completely fluid. His everything tries to sync with yours and we’re both more for giving rather than receiving which totals up to be about as exactly as amazing as it sounds. We both get off on the other getting off. 

Not only is the sex singualry in and of itself wonderful, but those happy feelings that flood me just thereafter- the ones that suddenly make me all about him and only him; those are feelings that just take me as far back with him as I can remember and stop just as I, other handedly, rememeber feeling as strongly the last.

These are truths maybe just a month into realizing them, around maybe 2013, I had started meaning to just talk with him about. I just kept meaning to and meaning to and then it was 2016, Christmas, and just as every year he had put so much thought into every detail on what he bought for me under our tree. I gave up that holiday on ever placing my doubts on him. 

Now we cannot leave the house under any circumstance and I am chasing a faux love high two to six times a day. He doesn’t mind. He simply thinks I am insatiable. 

He has not noticed anything. Not even how I’ve over the years taken up lovers. To be completely honest I have had my soulmate already, once, in the past. We were together five long years starting in our early teen years. We broke up because of a move he had to make and of course Skype was around by then but long distance caused us to just off and on break up another two years after the move. We gave up and I cut him off by getting with Dan. 

I think he just always saw us online and publicly as so happy he could never gear up to reach out because we always promised if we were ever in the same city, right place, right time; we promised we’d reach out. All his profiles link him to being in London but he has not reached out so much as a finger and I myself have been scared too as well. 

I do not think so long as Dan is glued to me I could ever fall in love with the only person who's ever felt right for me again. Dan knows nothing of my feelings on this ex either, of course not. Because when Dan looks at me there is so much love. When I think about the way his ex and last partner cheated on him for every reason you can think of and how he would look at Dan and tell him he had cheated along with whatever bullshit reason he had, he would try and make his actions out to be justifiable.

Dan would just accept this hurt and continue trucking on because he believed himself to not be able to find better. To be further honest, I think Dan is an idiot who is only furthering his idiocy by being with me. He is blinded by our early years and his own mind blocking out everything he went through with the person before me. He doesn’t miss signs, he ignores them. He would rather live in perpetual lie than let me break his heart after all these years and well; I’d rather give him lies than heartbreak.

I have put eleven years into the idea of us and I cannot leave him high and dry anytime soon. Even if I am no longer in love, if I ever was, and fall asleep next to Dan dreaming of alternative worlds where I am with my soulmate. It is the only comfort known to quell and lull me to sleep beside Dan each and every night. 

Sometimes I find myself growing feelings for some of my dalliances or even just close friends I speak with often- those are the people I cut off completely. I cannot afford to love anyone else, lest just to fall out of love again, all under Dan’s nose. It is too much upkeep. Sex is difficult enough and what with being unable to leave and Dan clinging to me like a newborn ape to it’s mother- I am struggling even more so than usual. 

I feel no desire for his laughs or jokes or company. I dislike his attentions and attempts to be close and near with me and my heart. I can only make myself enjoy him after sex. Not during or before but after. So meaning each day we have sex one more time than we did in the previous day and he can’t get enough, he is a man afterall. 

He is as insatiable as he believes I am being by constantly chasing orgasm. I just want to look at him with love again. I want to not dream of what I could be missing in ditching my only real love so messily by publicly replacing him with Dan just so he’d see. I want to not run from the emotions for others I do manage to have in my heart just for someone I do not have feelings for. 

I do not want to be living most of the life I am living and as much as I would like to blame Dan I do not. I blame myself. I should have spoke with him in 2013 and did not so seven years later and however many more it takes I have been and will continue to allow him to think we are perfect. I’m in too deep and as much as I don’t love him, I care that he thinks I do. So I’ll just let him keep thinking. 

I always did like acting.


End file.
